First Contact
For this discussion “email” refers to whatever method the service you are using allows you to write a message to another member.
This area is where I made the biggest mistakes for the longest period of time when dating online. I would write overly long and, in my head, witty emails that very rarely received responses. Once, I wrote no less than two pages based on a girl’s heading to her profile. The HEADING! I thought I was making conversation but all I was making was a girl scared. I really did mean well. I just didn’t know what I was doing.
My rule here is very simple: keep your first email very short. Give anything longer than three sentences a good, hard look before sending. There are several reasons I’m for short first emails.
- Your profile is what you use to sell yourself, not your first email. While I feel that your profile should be a constant battle between brevity and substance, it should definitely hold enough for someone to make a descision about communicating with you. If it doesn’t, don’t try and fix it in your emails: go back to your profile and improve that first. The email should be the bait to get someone to view yourprofile.
- If she doesn’t like your profile, long-winded emails are wasting your time.
- You have to keep your weird factor low. Never forget that you are battling the bad impressions created by every weird guy who has come before you.
- For reasons beyond my comprehension, short emails can come off as confident. Worded wrongly they can come off as cocky but even that is more acceptable than psycho.
So what do you include in this short introductory email? First, try to include something that proves you read their profile. Many guys out there spam the same email to every girl they find attractive; most girls catch on to this and then look for it in other emails. Second, if you find something in a profile that you have in common or there is something you like about the profile, mention that (if there are multiple things you really like, just mention one). Finally, I’d recommend asking a question. Often this can be about the common interest you mention but any question is better than none. If you can’t think of any questions, why not ask her out on a date?
One optional approach to emailing that I took is if I had something slightly in common with the profile I was reading, I would express more excitement about the similiarity than truly existed. I wouldn’t flat-out lie but I would make a bigger deal of things than was true. For example, I enjoy an occasional day walking around a big city. If someone mentioned this in her profile I wouldn’t say “I like going to big cities, too.” I would say “I love strolling through the city too…although some days I think I must be the only one!”. Saying that I love walking through the city is a stretch but I would want to add some strength to my statement. I feel that most emotion is lost in online communication (and anyone who has used a 
in emails agrees with me). To avoid this, I would try to show my true level of interest by exaggerating it. Also, I felt that making someone feel “liked” early on would help them feel more comfortable and more likely to respond.
Sample Emails
Let’s look at a few real profiles, albeit very short ones, and I’ll write a first email that I would send if I were interested in meeting the girl. The first profile is what I would consider a “normal” email where contact is made but not much else. The next two are special cases where asking the girl out occurs in the first email. In my online dating life, it was uncommon for me to ask a girl out in the first email but I felt that in both the second and third example, it was the best option based off of the profile.
I’ll be changing the profiles to avoid intruding on someone’s life but will keep the general ideas the same.
Profile 1:
I am a XX year old looking for a nice guy to get to know and have a wonderful time together. I am a very outgoing person and enjoy all types of activities. My friends say I’m very outgoing but I think I’m shy when first meeting people. I work full-time as a real estate agent. I am very sociable and enjoy being around people. If you would like to get to know me, just send me a message.
This young lady devoted half of her profile to talking, in some fashion, about being sociable. This seems like one of the better points of focus when writing the email:
Response:
Hi - I’d like to get to know you so here’s your message! I love being sociable too and liked what I was seeing in your profile. Have you ever gone swing dancing?
My approach here is to be positive but brief. I make it clear I read her profile and that I’m interested in who she is. I don’t ask her out but the swing dancing reference is there to say “If you write back, I just might”. I chose swing dancing because I’ve done it a few times and by mentioning it I’m backing up the statement that I enjoy social activity. The goal here is to get her interest, have her look at my profile and if she likes what she sees, move forward.
Profile 2:
I am crazy, unique and creative. Everyday boring life turns into an adventure along with me! Born and raised in the [a city] looking for someone to curl up watch a movie with or football or just hang out. A little facial hair is a plus and someone with an awesome personality is key! I’m cute but of course not looking for a stalker so I choose to remain a mystery until you contact me! Hope to hear from you soon.
Now this is someone I would not likely contact but I’m trying to be fair by grabbing profiles at random, not just those I can write an email to easiest. She openly admits concern over stalkers (enough concern that she’s included no photo of herself) so not coming off as weird is very important. However, something about her profile makes me feel like she may not respond to many emails, perhaps due to her confidence in what she wants, so I’m more willing to take a risk. The important parts again are to not come off as a stalker and to be brief. In this case I’m going to play off her professed “likes” by attempting to be unique and creative when I write my email:
Reponse:
taerg a ekil sdnuos euqinu dna evitaerc…gab dnuop evif a ni nuf fo sdnuop net ekil dnuos uoY. ereht yeH
?keew siht retal erutnevda na otni eeffoc fo puc a gninrut tuoba leef uoy dluow woH !em ot ecap fo egnahc
I’d title the email something like “Mirror, Mirror”. Would this work? Chances are no, but if it does she’s really going to enjoy it. Even in the case where she decides it is horribly corny, she might appreciate the unique quality it had. I still keep the email short and include information that proves I’ve actually read her profile. I also ask her out in the first email because:
- someone adventurous doesn’t want to email for long they want to meet people
- I’m asking before I’ve seen a picture which may improve my odds of not being stalker material.
Profile 3:
Hi! I am XX years old I love living life to its fullest. I travel every chance I can and love being around those I share things in common with.
This is an example of how sometimes profiles are too short and give you no clues to who the person is. With this type of profile, I always felt like simply asking them out on safe date in the first email is fine. There’s not too much to work with here aside from asking travel questions which, by looking at her profile, probably already happens in every email she receives. In this case, I’d just flat out ask her out. I know this looks like nothing but I’ve had success with these types of emails (my wife being the best example):
Response:
Hello! I liked your profile - would you be interested in having lunch at [someplace safe like a local diner/bookstore/coffee shop]?
For all these examples, I’ve intentionally chosen profiles that were very short to keep the examples to a reasonable size. Most profiles should have much more information for you to work with but the same ideas apply. Keep your emails short and positive. Also, regardless what any book or person tells you, better to listen to your gut and break any “rules” (such as keeping the email short) when you think it would work to your favor. For example, in the Profile 3, creating an invitation to have a drink that looked like a travel itenerary might work well if she had mentioned enjoying creativity or if her profile was very creative. Everything else aside, just coming off normal and interested goes a long way.
<< Winks and ViewsAn Absence of Responses >>
