What I tell my readers is this: I wouldn’t be too worried about moving to personal email accounts. Often the reason people ask this is because they’re embarrassed to log into dating service at locations other than their house but they want to be able communicate throughout the day. They may also want to move to personal email because they can then easily communicate from their phone or any other number of reasons.

Using a Personal Email While Staying Extra Safe

The primary risk in giving out your personal email happens if you decide you want to stop communicating with them but they kept contacting you. That sounds like a minor risk but it can actually be quite annoying. With that in mind, I recommend the following:

1. Go to Gmail or Yahoo! Mail and create a new email account. Use your real first name for this account but leave off your last name.

2. Whenever someone asks to move to personal email but you’re still not sure about them, give them this email. This allows the conversation to move to a more common medium without introducing risk to your personal inbox.

Most of the time when I give this advice, the response is, “Oh yeah! Create a new email account…why didn’t I think of that?” However, not everyone agrees with my suggestion. One reader wrote back the following:

All of the dating sites say not to go to private email, that is the sign of a scammer. Hello!!!!! The fact that none of these men email me back on site says to me —– they are scammers. So you are saying create a “fake” email account with Minnie Mouse as the owner and email these guys. What is the purpose in that when the dating site has it? If the argument is you don’t want to log on to a dating site at work, what is the difference than logging on to a private email account at work. Both are not work related. That argument is not logical.

Honestly, if you feel strongly that you should only communicate on the dating service, I support that (which is what I told this reader). That said, to clear up a few things that there seemed to be some confusion on when I offered her this advice:

• You’re not creating a fake email. It’s a real email that you really own. It’s just not your personal email that you’ve been using for the last 10 years. If someone decided they want to write you three emails an hour for the next ten hours, your personal email remains unaffected.
• The issue isn’t just about following work rules. While my work would crack down on browsing Match.com a lot faster than it would browsing to Gmail, the real issue here is being embarrassed to use Match.com away from home.
• The longer you keep all your communication on the dating service, the more the dating service benefits. I’m not saying that the dating services are wrong for suggesting you only communicate on their service. The dating services do offer protection email can’t. However, I’m fairly certain that there is more motivation for the dating services to suggest this outside of keeping their members safe.

In the example above, my reader claimed to have been using online dating for years and never had any success. She said that when people wanted to move to personal email then she knew she was dealing with a scammer. I’m afraid she was ignoring/rejecting all the men who wanted to take the relationship to the next step (however small).

A Warning on Moving to Personal Email Accounts Rapidly
There is one other risk with moving to personal email accounts. It happens less often and requires that you move to personal email very quickly but it’s a problem that exists.

The risk is that you’re talking to a scammer. Often a scammer will steal credit card numbers, sign up for a dating service, convince men or women to move to the conversation to personal emails and then attempt to use the Romance Scam on them.

The dating service eventually realizes the account was created with a stolen credit card and they cancel it. When the person being scammed notices the dating profile is gone, the scammer will tell them they decided they want to concentrate on building the relationship between the two of them and will say that they took their profile down.

This might sounds scary but this is easy to combat: if anyone ever, ever, ever asks you for money then you’re likely dealing with a scammer. You can also fight this by not moving to personal email for a week or so.

Taking a Chance to Find Love
There are a lot of great people on dating sites but we’ll never know unless we give them a chance. Giving people a chance often involves some risk. Giving out your email is a risk but so is going on a first date with someone you’ve never met!

I feel that if we’re careful, most of these risks can be mitigated to the point that the risk is very small. In this case, if you can be cautious, use a different email for dating communication, and run for the hills if they ask for money then I think moving to personal emails is something you should be open to doing.

Related posts:

1. Online Dating Email Tips: More on First Email Length
2. Online Dating Scams: Additional Scams
3. Problems with the Second Online Dating Email

If you’re considering making such dating resolution this year and plan to use online dating as a part of that resolution, I’d like to encourage you to do the following:

So take your resolution seriously and admit that it will take effort to stick by it.

Don’t Make an Arbitrary Resolution
If you say to yourself, “My New Year’s resolution is to try online dating” that’s all well and good but you can quit a week later and claim to have met your resolution. The problem there is you’ve not really solved the problem. You’re not resolving to date online because you want to date online. You’re resolving to date online so you can find a relationship.

With that in mind, I would encourage you to commit to a specific amount of time. I think February 14th is a great starting point because the dating services will be extra busy up until that date. After Valentine’s day things are said to drop off (I’ve never seen the numbers but it’s what I hear). Six weeks is a way better resolution than something non-specific.

Be Willing to Meet People
I talk about this in my guide but I’ll say it again here: there are too many people searching for the perfect person and then trying to date them instead of taking the approach of dating a lot of people and trying to find the perfect person.

Even if they don’t seem like “the one”, it’s just a date! They may not be everything you are hoping for but could you have fun? Do they sound interesting? What good is a resolution if you’re so strict you never meet a single person? People generally don’t like this advice but until you start giving other people a chance, you may find yourself struggling. Maybe that great guy or girl can’t create the perfect profile. That doesn’t make them any less great!

Overall, I think it comes down to taking things seriously. The person committing to stop smoking as their resolution knows things will be difficult and they mentally prepare for that. I hope you do the same and I hope you find success in doing so!

Related posts:

1. Dating Resolutions for 2011
2. New Year’s Dating Resolution: Finding that Special Someone
3. Online Dating Advice for the Shy

In many ways I’m writing this for men as I believe scams with beautiful women are aimed more at them (for obvious reasons). That said, this should be helpful to anyone as there are multiple reasons people put up fake photos, not just for scams.

Fake Dating Profiles and Google Images

Here I’m going to walk you through the process of using Google Images to find out if the person might be using a fake photo. Fake photos often point to fake profiles (or at least someone who’s lying about what they look like!) I’ll be using Match.com for this example.

1. Getting the Image Location from Match.com
When logged into your account, open the suspicious profile and right-click the photo then:

• In Firefox, select Copy Image Location

• In Chrome, select Copy Image URL
• In Internet Explorer, select Properties. In the window that appears, select the text in the Address section and copy it (Control + C in Windows)

2. Search for the Image on Google
Go to google.com and click the Images link at the top. Paste the text you copied from the previous step into the search box. It should look something like this:

3. Switch to Search by Image
At the time of this writing, by default step 2 above won’t get you the results we want. However, you should see a link at the top that says:

Click this link and you should now see matches for the image. For “real” profile photos this very well may return no results as the photo may not be on the internet. However, if they are using the photo of a model or someone else, often it will become very clear that they are lying.

In my fictional example that I’ve been walking through here, it’s become clear that someone is using an image of the Victoria Secret model Miranda Kerr. A little research reveals that not only does she NOT live in Pittsburgh where I’m searching, but she’s married to Orlando Bloom! Sounds like a fake profile to me!

An Optional Final Step
If it’s painfully obvious that the person is lying, you may want to consider reporting a concern about the profile (Match.com has this feature and I imagine most of the major dating services have something like it). This could save the next guy the hassle of emailing a fake profile.

Just keep in mind that beautiful people can use online dating too. Just because they’re a model doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a fake profile (especially if you live in New York or Los Angeles).

Fake Dating Profiles: A Few Warning Signs

Now I don’t think you should be suspicious of every profile online and I don’t see this process necessary most of the time. There are two things I would encourage you to watch out for where this process can be well worth the thirty seconds it takes:

1. Amazing photographs. And I don’t just mean beauty (although that will be there). I mean that the lighting is perfect or that things are posed in every single photo they have. Real people most often have real photos and if none of the photos in the profile look like a “normal” photo, I would be suspicious.

2. The profile is very light on details or generalizes everything. Sometimes they may include a lot of typing but they still don’t reveal much.

If you see both of these issues at the same time, I would be even more suspicious.

Hopefully these steps help you save some time on who you contact. If anyone else has tips for how to spot a fake profile, I’d love to have you share them!

Related posts:

1. Spotting Fake Online Dating Profiles
2. Gaffs Guys Make on Dating Profiles
3. Massive Drop in Google SERPs after Installing All in One SEO Plug-in

In this article I want to use an example to show why I think talking about yourself is a mistake. Also, I’ve been contacted by some men recently who complain that they get very few responses to their emails, but when I have them send me some example first emails they almost exclusively talk about themselves. I think this is the reason why they get few responses.

1. Guys still do more contacting than women
2. I’ve never been contacted by a woman who had this problem

That being said, I hope this is helpful to anyone curious about talking about yourself in a first email.

A Sample Online Dating Email

To discuss this further, I’m going to provide an example. This is based on one of the emails a reader provided me, although I’m altering it significantly to protect his identity.

Hi! I’m Brad and I’m originally from California but I have lived in Arizona since I was 12. However I have been living in Washington for several years and I am now just getting back to Phoenix to be near my family. I know I am going to miss the Seattle weather because Arizona is too dang hot, but some things are more important than the weather.

I am a software engineer and an avid reader. I have many passions and I try to learn about everything I can. I say I have a game show mind because I know all sorts of trivia about odd things. I am kind, I am motivated to be successful, and I am just a good guy to know. So lets have dinner sometime :-)

So nothing here jumps out as “horrible” on its own. Still, I want to present why most of what’s included here doesn’t belong here and why it doesn’t improve the chance of getting a response.

Your Profile is the Place to Sell Yourself
To me, this email reads more like a profile than it does an email. Honestly, everything but the last sentence could be put into the “About Me” section in a dating profile and we’d have a good start.

I understand there’s a desire to “sell” yourself at every opportunity and I’ve made this mistake myself early on in my online dating career. However, this is very simple: You sell yourself in your profile! If these items are important but they are not in your profile, go put them in your profile.

The email is the bait to look at your profile. The email is NOT an extension of your profile.

An email where you talk only about yourself runs the risk of being seen as this last type of email. Maybe you loved her profile but how would she ever know? If you talk only about yourself in your first email, it may seem to her that you only glanced at her profile. For all she knows you looked at her photo and immediately wrote an email. She might also wonder if you wrote this email once and then sent it to 100 women.

It may not sound so bad if your a guy but put yourself in her shoes: she’s going to ignore anything that looks like a waste of time because she’s already had a lot of her time wasted.

What Opportunities Has She Been Given to Respond?
Your first email is an attempt to start a conversation. An email where you talk mostly about yourself doesn’t easily allow a conversation to begin. In this example, the most obvious opportunity for a woman to respond would be to agree to have dinner. However, to me I don’t feel like the email is inviting enough to get most women to say yes. So where else can she continue this conversation? Talking about yourself doesn’t make answering that question easy.

Consider it another way: Imagine that a man walked up to a woman he didn’t know at a bar. He introduced himself and gave her numerous details about himself. He then asks her on a date. This doesn’t sound like a recipe for success to me! I don’t think it’s effective online either.

Some Guys Still Don’t Buy It

I get the feeling that when I talk to some guys about this problem that they believe I’m wrong about talking about yourself in a first email. Maybe they suspect I’m over-thinking things or maybe they really believe they are the most interesting thing to possibly talk about.

Perhaps this is you: perhaps you think I’m way off the mark when I suggest that you not talk about yourself. If that’s you and if you are having lower email responses than you would like, how about giving talking about something other than yourself a chance? Even if it’s just the next five emails you send. I think you’ll find that talking about other things and other people will bring you much more success than talking about yourself! It’s at least worth a try, right?

Well, What Should I Talk About Then?!
I’ve written extensively on what I think should be included in an online dating first email. However, here’s one tip that is hopefully very easy to follow: every time you’re tempted to talk about YOURSELF in a first email, instead talk about HER! Easy as that. Ask her questions or comment on items from her profile…it can be whatever you want as long as you concentrate on her. I feel that there’s a lot more that could improve a first email but I think concentrating on who your contacting is a solid first step.

Finally, I’m not against discussing yourself in a first email altogether. There are times where you will mention things about yourself. This is especially good if it’s in response to something in her profile. That said, you can’t dominate the first email by only talking about yourself. To me, talking about yourself should be the rare exception in a first email and you should instead be taking time to try to learn more about the person you are contacting.

Related posts:

1. No Apologies or Excuses in First Emails!
2. Guys: Don’t Use “Form” Emails for Online Dating
3. How to Use VIP Emails at Match.com

Does the Disability Define Who Your Are?

I think the answer to this question helps drive the dating advice I’ve given. In each case when I’ve been contacted, my readers have made it clear that their disability does not define them; instead it is just a part of who they are. Perhaps a negative part, but still just one part.

If we take that idea and apply it to what I would consider “good” general online dating advice I would say this: we shouldn’t go out of our way to define ourselves in our profile based on “negatives” or things we don’t like about ourselves. At the same time, with the bigger issues we don’t want to mislead someone to the point that they are surprised on the first date.

I do have an example of how I handled this type of situation when I was dating, although it is trivial compared to what others will experience. Still, it may help:

When I was dating online, I already looked much younger than I was (which can be a surprisingly big turn-off to women when you’re in your 20s). I was 25 but often found people assuming I was in high school. I then found myself needing to get braces which made my problem even more pronounced.

In my dating profile, I was careful not to show my teeth when smiling in photos and didn’t mention it in my profile itself. I would then start talking to women and as we got to know one another, they saw I had a lot to offer. Eventually, as I became more comfortable with the women, I would bring up how I looked very young in-person and would explain that I had braces. I would let them know that I wanted to bring it up sooner but that it was a touchy topic for me and that I was afraid I would be eliminated before I was even given a chance. Most women weren’t too bothered although some did “disappear”.

The important thing about my approach was that I provided the information BEFORE we decided to meet. Normally after 2 or 3 emails I would explain my situation. I felt like if I had scheduled a date and then said “oh by the way…” that they would have felt misled. Also, if there were women who were going to “disappear” I wanted to give them a chance to do so because if we had actually met I’m sure things would have gone poorly.

Basically, I didn’t go out of my way to define myself based on any negative qualities about myself. My braces didn’t really define who I was just as a prosthetic limb doesn’t define a man who has one. However, once I started building a relationship with a woman I was sure to let her know about it.

To sum up my recommended approach:

• I wouldn’t go out of my way to describe disabilities in my profile unless they, in some large way, define who you are as a person.

• I would go out of my way to describe any disabilities as you get to know the person better and before you meet.

The Risk of this Approach

I’ve already touched on the risk of this approach in my example: some people will disappear. You’ll bring up the topic and then you’ll never hear from them again. However, I still like this approach because my hope is that every person would find someone who appreciates who they are.

One reader described his situation in this way:

The effects of a visble physical condition upon “chemistry” are obvious, I think; I have experienced them my entire life. The advantage in traditional encounters, however, is that some folks get past the obvious after two or three or several encounters. This, of course, is the downside of dating sites: no real contact, at least initially, in exchange for greater numerical possibilities.

I believe that what this reader was seeing when people “got past the obvious” was when women started to see who he was and this encouraged them to give him a real chance. My suggested approach has a similar desire: to see everyone given a chance to have success on the merits of who they are. There will be rejection and there will be people who immediately stop talking to you but I still see this approach as one that gives the most opportunities.

Related posts:

1. Should I Lose Weight Before Dating Online?
2. 5 Signs to Commit to Date One Person with Online Dating
3. If I Am Shy, Should I Mention It In My Online Dating Profile?

While it may not be a good idea to get involved with a work colleague, if you do, here’s a bit of guidance on office romance etiquette:

Keep it quiet

It may be best to keep your romance as secret as possible in its early stages and before you know where it might be leading. Other people at work, particularly those in senior positions, may not be pleased to learn about your attachment and could begin to monitor your professional performance more closely as a result. Also, be careful who you confide in, as juicy gossip can spread quickly if you let your secret slip to the wrong person.

Keep control

Keeping a secret also means making sure your behaviour at the office remains normal. Subtle flirting, hints and kisses in the photocopy room will not go unnoticed. Therefore, make sure you can control yourselves at work and act the same way around each other as you did before. If you find this difficult, it might be best to avoid each other as much as you can while at the office.

Keep it casual

Make sure the relationship is moving slowly and try to keep a casual interest in it, especially at first. The worst part of an office romance is the break-up, should it occur. This could seriously affect your performance and the general mood in the office, especially if you were deeply involved with your colleague. There may be potential for the romance to blossom into a long-term commitment, but don’t rush into anything and make sure you both feel the same way.

Keep an open mind

Dating for professionals is complicated even if you don’t work in the same office. Careers have a tendency to disrupt personal lives. However, if you find yourself seriously in love with someone you work with, you may need to turn this on its head and make a career move to save both your working and romantic lives. When you enter into one of these relationships, keep in mind the fact you may have to move jobs in order for this to work, particularly if you end up getting married.

Take some time to think before your office parties this year – an office romance could be a lot more complicated than you might think!

Related posts:

1. Online Dating: Hit on by Someone from Work
2. Do You Hurt Your Chances with Unnecessary “Rules”?
3. Rules for eHarmony Free Events

“I’ve been telling you guys for over 5 years, you need to have an online dating profile,” I replied.

Everyone I know that’s late to the online dating game was shocked when Match.com’s commercial said 1 in 5 relationships begin online. However, just because some people were shocked, that doesn’t mean everyone was. In fact, there were a lot of people that thought “I’ve been doing this for a long time now. When will it happen for me??”

I am huge advocate for women dating online because there are a number of good men on those sites, which means better chances of finding a long term relationship. However, while I definitely advise women to go online, I also advise them to not make online dating their ONLY option for meeting men. When I see women frustrated with online dating, I often ask what other methods they’re using.

Silence.

They don’t do anything other than email guys back and forth, look at pictures and profiles, and go on the occasional date. In order for online dating to really work, one has to come from behind the computer screen and interact. Not just interact with men, but interact with life.

If you find yourself in an online dating rut, try out this new approach.

Make your love life 3-D

I tell women all the time that living a 3-D lifestyle is essential to attracting (and keeping) love. A 3-D lifestyle is simply this: 1/3 of your time should be spent doing activities that attract men (online dating + venues where there are more men than women), 1/3 of your time hanging with friends or supporting causes, and the last 1/3 of your time devoted to yourself. Look at the break down at the chart below.

The reason this is important is because you keep your attractive energy high 24/7. And when you’re attractive energy is high, you will attract men from every part of your life.

When you’re spending time with yourself, it’s a truly rejuvenating process. That energy and emotional nurturance you get will show in every cell of your being. So when you’re spending time interacting with men, there won’t be this “desperate” energy. You’ll be relaxed and full of love, which will make men want to be around you (and ask you out on more dates). Spending time doing social activities such as happy hours with friends or supporting a cause, keeps you grounded. It’s also a way to give your good energy back into the world.

What does this have to do with online dating?

Everything. You see, if you’re in a rut, the only way to get out of it, is to do something different. Change your schedule, alter your routine, and perhaps, change your focus. Once you get the energy flowing in other areas of your life, like magic, your dating life will follow suit.




Shay Banks is a dating and relationship specialist that helps women understand men’s weird behaviors and find loving relationships effortlessly. You can find her at Before You Marry where she takes women who are tired of dating into a relationship with ease.

Related posts:

1. If I Am Shy, Should I Mention It In My Online Dating Profile?
2. Single on Valentine’s Day
3. Lovestruck: Online Dating for the Busy Professional

In many cases, failed first dates can be a mystery: did she not like my personality? Was he not attracted to me? On the other hand, sometimes we know exactly why we are seeing failed dates…we just don’t know how to respond to them.

In this case, my reader knew exactly why he was struggling on the first dates but wasn’t sure how to correct the situation. Here’s part of his email:

I have really enjoyed reading your site and online dating guide. Based on your information, I am making some serious changes to my online dating approach. But I do have a question that I have not seen addressed in any of the literature I have read and I am hoping you may have some insight or suggestion.

About two years ago I stumbled upon a group of modern-day monks called the Ishayas and learned a prayer / meditation teaching called the Ishayas’ Ascension. I fell in love with the teaching and now share it all over the United States. I also joined the Ishaya Order and as part of my vows, I wear a wedding ring. I assure you that I am not married, not engaged, nor have I ever been either.

However, as I am sure you can imagine this comes up quite often when I meet women. I have not found a graceful approach to handling it yet, except for telling the truth which often ends up in a long conversation that can range from religion, belief, spiritual enlightenment, philosophy, etc. All pretty heavy subjects for a first date and almost always with me doing most of the talking.

The responses so far have ranaged from being flat-out called a liar to ending up as more of a teacher than a potential love interest. Any thoughts?

Specific Example, General Approach

I realize that many readers may read this person’s experience and say, “Well I’m not a monk so this advice won’t help me”.

Not so! I realize that this is a very specific example but the response to dates failing for one specific reason has a general approach. Sure, your situation will differ: your failed dates might instead be caused by revealing information about your job, your relationship history, or any number of items. That being the case, the advice remains the same so keep reading!

Responding to Multiple Dates that Fail for One Reason

Normally when a first date is failing for one reason, it’s because a particular piece of information can work against you if it is not revealed early enough. In this case, the reader had a few things working against him:

• First, it’s not unheard of for married men to date online so the ring is going to send (legitimate) red flags

• If they’re finding out about the ring or his beliefs on the first date (or right before the date), it can be overwhelming or at least surprising enough to throw them off for the rest of the date.

You might have different reasons for failed first dates but I think in most cases you could break your own situation down to a similar list. For example, if you were using a photo in your profile that was 10-years old your personal reasons for first date failure could include:

• People are suspicious of those they meet online because there is an opinion that everyone dating online is a liar.

• Even though you may not have lied with words, using a 10-year old picture make every person you meet feel like you’ve lied to them. This will actually be the first impression they have of you.
• Who wants to begin a relationship that starts with a lie?

This isn’t a perfect comparison to my reader’s case (he wasn’t lying at all and old photos are visual lies) but I hope it points out that the situations that fall into this situation are many.

Correcting the Issue with Honesty and Openness

The problem with this reader’s failing dates is that his first dates weren’t prepared for some of the information they were given. Also, he was likely meeting some women who wouldn’t have gone on a first date with him had they know his background (whether that’s right or wrong, it happens).

So he has some women who are thrown off by the information and others who feel like they were tricked or that they are wasting their time.

How should he respond to this situation? Here was my response to him:

I would hope that this can be addressed by being a bit more aggressive in revealing this information about yourself before you meet. Your profile should definitely include information on being a member of the Ishayas and I think you should briefly describe it (just as you did with me). You should show a passion for this that makes it clear to women that this isn’t just some passing hobby for you. I wouldn’t include information on wearing a ring in your profile but you need to paint a picture of who you are and obviously this helps make up the core of what that is.

Then as you find yourself planning a first date with the women, I think you should at this point explain that you wear a ring and what it represents to you/why you wear it. I also think it’s good to be up-front with the women and say that sometimes you find first dates dwelling too much on the Ishaya Order and during the first few dates it would be your preference to get to know one another as opposed to obsessing on that one topic. Not that you’d be unwilling to speak about it but we do want you to be able to get away from the “teacher” mode.

Again, this is a specific example with a general approach. Using the 10-year-old photo example from above, the obvious approach to that case would be to update the photo. To put it simply, we want to address whatever missing or incorrect information is causing our first dates to fail.

The Price (and Benefit) of Open Honesty

The responses to my reader following this advice will likely look like this:

1. Less responses to email contact because some women are intimidated or uncomfortable with the information in his profile

2. Some women who back out of a first date because they have trouble understanding the ring (I suspect a much smaller issue than #1)
3. Much better first dates with the women that do make it past #1 and #2.

And again, for the out-of-date profile photo example, using an updated photo could also end up causing less first dates…but again the first dates you do have should be better! We want to identify whatever is throwing our first dates off and address those issues as early in the dating process as possible.

No One Wants to Waste Their Time…Including You!

I would actually anticipate that this could give my reader some great first dates in comparison to his current situation…but I also think following this will require more work and patience for success. Being open and clear early on will prevent women from feeling lied to or prevent the fear they’re being deceived. On the other-hand, it could even spark real interest in other women who previously may have not been interested in his profile!

When presented with this type of situation, there are two paths we can go down:

• The first path is to wait to reveal some (potentially damaging) information and then hope you can win them over on the first date. This often will end with weeks of wasted time and a failed first date.

• The second path is to be open so the important information is revealed at the earliest reasonable time to do so. Be willing to be rejected early on for the issues you believe the most in. This could result in more failures earlier (particularly less responses to email) but will save you all the time and hassle of getting to the first date.

Finally, if you are in a similar situation, I think you’ll find people will appreciate your desire to be open and up-front about whatever it is in your life that makes you unique. The stigma that online dating is full of liars will likely always exist…but going out of your way to be honest will prove you don’t fit that stereotype.

Related posts:

1. Online Dating: When Guy “Disappears” After a Few Dates
2. Bad First Dates and You
3. Avoid Complaining on First Dates

Here’s part of his email to me:

I enjoyed reading your article Women I Contact Look at my Profile but Never Respond, since when I was actively dating (a few months ago), this was me. If you do the math — its a tough, tough world out there and I still can’t figure out how you were ever swimming in dates, as you said at one point in your guide.

Which leads to my question. What is your view on re-contacting someone? Say you contact someone and she views you and does nothing. Say a couple weeks go by and she is still active on the site. What do you think of sending another message? The theory is that the first time you contacted her, you had bad timing–maybe you came in second that day, but her first pick has since flamed out.

My Dating Success vs. Your Dating Success

First, I want to address my personal success with dating online that this reader brings up. More than a few guys have expressed to me that they feel recreating my success is not possible for them. I understand why people could feel this way so I want to point out some things I did to have success that I see many people reject as “just not for them”:

1. I was using multiple dating services (eHarmony and Match when I met my wife).

2. I was willing to meet just about anyone. Obviously if I found something extremely unlikable about them I wouldn’t pursue it but I was definitely much more open about first dates than most guys I know. A good example: my wife didn’t have a photo on her profile. I know plenty of guys who announce (almost proudly) that they would never contact a woman who doesn’t have a photo. That wasn’t me.
   
   
3. I went on lots of second dates. Even if the first date wasn’t awesome or amazing. This improved my feelings of success and comfort with online dating…and it was also part of the reason my dating schedule was so busy.
   
   
4. I contacted lots of women on Match and went through most of my eHarmony matches.

It’s not like I was doing AMAZING as much as I had really changed my approach to give myself the most opportunity. Was every woman I contacted was desperate to meet me? Far from it. Instead, it was more about being open and willing to date in general.

As I’ve said before, I my strategy was:

instead of what most people want to do which is:

I won’t rehash my opinions on this since I’ve covered it in my guide but the second approach puts a lot more pressure and annoyances on you than the first. It also limits a person’s ability to be swimming in dates by its very nature.

Even knowing that, many people are still unwilling to try the second approach. So if you’ve made the decision that the second approach is unacceptable, then you should also accept that not swimming in dates is going to likely be a part of that decision. That’s not necessarily a bad thing if you accept your approach as the best for your situation.

Should I Re-Contact a Woman After Some Time?

On re-contacting, I’m for it. On the one hand I feel like the odds of success are low but on the other hand there’s very little to lose. It doesn’t take long to write another email and you can even have fun with it.

The first time I wrote about this was in my article Should I Email Again if My First Email Gets Not Response? In this article, I talk about sending another email fairly quickly after the first contact.

Another Great Way of Looking at It
My previous article aside, I think this reader has a very good point I’d not previously considered: women are often contacted by many men. This process can continue as they date online and the odds of them remembering to go back to an old email is unlikely. They might have even liked your email/profile, just felt unable to pursue the conversation because of all the communication they were already engaged in.

I think this is a great point! If you wait a few weeks and contact the woman again, you may find a much better response. You’re the same guy, she just has more time to respond now. I’d never tried this when I was dating online so I can’t speak from personal experience. That being said, in theory this sounds like a logical approach that again has very low risk (you only lose the time it takes you to write another email).

Yet Another Way to Approach This Situation
Also, at the end my article on More First Email Examples, I talk about contacting the woman again but “disguising” yourself by placing a new primary photo in your profile to try to encourage her to give you another chance (even though she may not realize she’s giving you another chance!). You can see one woman in the comments of this article confirms that she’s not offended that a guy would do this.

Again, it may be a long shot to have success if your first email went unanswered…but there really is little to lose.

Related posts:

1. Online Dating Success! Now What?
2. 5 Mistakes Men Make When Dating Online That Scare Women Away
3. My Online Dating Success Story

Early this month a reader contacted me with the following question:

I’m new to online dating and I’ve just started to chat with people and will be seeing a couple of them next week.

What I’m concerned with is giving out personal information. I just finished chatting on skype with one guy, and realized I had already given him my full name, phone number, and my birthday (not on purpose). He was also asking where I grew up, though I didn’t tell him where I was born. I’m just worried that being so new to online dating in general that I may get used very easily.

My question is, how do I know whether the guy is just curious or if he could actually be wanting to steal my identity or something?

Does This Situation Present and Identity Theft Issue?

Generally speaking, I don’t think identity theft is a huge problem with online dating…or at least not the biggest problem. I’m sure it happens but generally the scams I hear about seem to be more interested in tricking people into willingly sending money as opposed to stealing your identity.

That having been said, even if identities aren’t being stolen we all need to be cautious on what information we reveal. In the example above:

• I think first name is good enough. If you switch to personal email and your mail account reveals your first and last name, keep that in mind and be sure you’re comfortable with that. A first name is plenty for a long time to be honest.

• Giving out phone numbers isn’t much of a risk…aside from the fact that they might start making harassing phone calls (but honestly I don’t think that happens very often). My preference was to go straight from email to a first date but plenty of people use the phone and I honestly don’t see giving out a phone number as much of a risk.
• I can see how birthdays might come up innocently enough but that’s something that doesn’t seem necessary to talk about so early in getting to know one another.

I suspect in this reader’s case we just had guy who is curious to get to know the woman he is talking to. The fact that he’s getting on Skype and showing who he is something the normal trick-you-into-sending-money scammer would never do. And that’s the type of scam that I think happens most often with online dating (and you can learn more about that scam and others in my article on Protecting Yourself from Scams when Dating Online).

My guess is that my reader is fine in the current situation however we should all follow this rule:

If you find yourself accidentally revealing information you didn’t intend to, it’s a sign that you need to be more aware of what you’re talking about!

Related posts:

1. Embarrassed to Reveal You Met Online
2. Protecting Yourself From Scams When Dating Online
3. Online Dating Scams: Additional Scams