My Boyfriend Has Kept His Online Dating Profile Active
Strangely enough, this situation seems to happen more often than I would expect: after finding a serious relationship some men still keep their online dating profile active. The explanations for this are pretty weak but these men always make the argument that there’s some good reason to keep their profile active.
If you’re a woman who has found herself in this situation, I think you have a problem on your hands. It may not mean he’s cheating but I do think it means he’s not taking the relationship as seriously as he should be. The primary reason to keep an online dating profile active is simple: the desire to meet people. Now there could be other reasons. Maybe he just likes having his ego stroked when women flirt with him. This is a problem since he’s not in a position to be flirting!
Reasons This Might Happen
Here are all the reasons I could think of for a man to keep a profile active while he’s in a relationship. None of these are a good thing:
1. He’s not sure that he likes his current relationship.
2. He likes to flirt and be flirted with.
3. He may not flirt but likes the idea that women like him.
4. He’s looking to cheat.
5. He’s looking to meet or talk to women for some other reason I’ve not thought of.
How Can I Fix This Situation?
First, I think you need to take serious consideration in the fact that he’s not as committed to your relationship as he should be. This doesn’t mean that he’s going to cheat on you or break up immediately but it can’t be seen as a good thing. At the very least, this action is a serious sign of disrespect. If you’re his woman, he should appreciate that and shouldn’t be pulling this kind of thing. It’s along the lines of a boyfriend who continues to talk to the ex that he just broke up with and I think it’s reasonable to ask him to stop.
If you’re not comfortable asking him to stop, I have one other recommendation. Create an account on the same site and communicate with him. If it’s a free site, I’d suggest sending an email about mundane things: “Hey, did you want to watch that movie tonight?” If it’s not a free site, wink at him or use whatever free communication the site offers.
The point is to get him to recognize that you have a profile as well and hopefully this will help him realize that it doesn’t feel good when the person you’re dating is putting themselves out there in a singles community. If pressed, your excuse for using the site should be the same as his. If this process doesn’t help, I’d then recommend talking about the men who are contacting you: “You should see the email this weird guy sent me today!” would be an example.
Finally, if he still doesn’t get the idea I’d suggest that you keep using your dating profile until you find a man who will treat you with the respect you deserve and end things with this guy. You might care a great deal for this man but his actions suggests he cares less for you than he should.
Brad is a happily married man that found great success (and his wife!) using online dating. He now shares his thoughts and experiences, on this site and in his free online dating guide, to assist others in finding success. 
Anybody who has an online profile and is in a “RELATIONSHIP” is
a CHEATER. Call it anything you want —— but it is DISRESPECTFUL and
not representative of a commited union with YOU. I played this game with
my EX fiance… for FOUR years……. LIes – hidden text messages – secret phone calls -
ONLINE PROFILES when we were “ENGAGED”….. denials….. blah blah blah.
We are the “NICE, TRUSTING, GENUINE” people that these rats take advantage of.
As long as you forgive and believe the b.s – you will continue to be DISRESPECTED
and your “relationship” continues to be a fake. If he loved YOU, he would have no
need for an online ANYTHING. Took me 4 yrs to finally see the light – I believed the
“I love YOU’s….. you are the ONLY woman I need…. I won’t do ANYTHING to jeopardize
our relationship…” BLAH BLAH BLAH….. Don’t believe it. It’s B S to keep you hanging on so he can get sex, money, favors, love, gifts, …….. Trust me. I have been there.
LOSE THE LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PS
AND…… DO NOT….. I REPEAT…….
DO NOT let them guilt you when they say.. ” OH, YOU don’t trust me!!”
THAT IS RIGHT. YOU DO NOT….. With GOOD reason!!!!!
GOD BLESS.
I’ve found myself in a similar situation. The guy and I met on eHarmony shortly after we both signed up, in early July. With their payment system, however, we both have to continue to pay until September. We both still have our profiles up–i mean, we don’t exactly have a choice.
But he texted me tonight in the middle of our conversation telling me that he updated his with new photos! –I haven’t logged in in weeks; I had no idea and he just randomly brought it up. His excuse was that he had to pay until September no matter what (true) and that he did it just because.
Bull$#!t. I’ve been through this before and I’m calling it quits. Too bad for him that he was stupid enough to tell me what he did without me even asking or snooping lol.
I’ve been dating a guy for about 4 weeks, we emailed through Match.com for about a week prior to actually meeting. When we are together it’s as if I’m the only other person on the planet, I’ve met some of his family and his friends, and after 2 weeks of physical dating and him telling me ‘he really, really liked me’, I took my Match.com profile down. He didn’t. That wasn’t so much the issue, but it has now become an issue with me because Match.com updates how often he’s logging on to their site– “Active within 24 hours” or “Online Now”… well last night he didn’t want to hang out though I offered to cook him dinner, and told me he was going to bed early. At 9:30pm I made the mistake of logging on to Match.com, only to view his profile and see that he was “Online Now”. My heart sank. My ex-husband seemed to constantly be pursuing other women online, even if only for the attention– I don’t need that again, it’s stressful and breaks down any trust I have for that person.
I just feel as if I deserve the truth– if he wants to keep looking for something better, then I should be too. But to call me his girlfriend and then still be ‘playing the field’ (even if only in the virtual sense) just doesn’t seem like this could possibly be as real as he leads me to believe.
I had the excat situation/problem exactly what you said and it was on Match.com and yes he was online everyday and active even when we where physically dating ? what was his username on match ? maybe we were dating the same stupid guy !
Either it is the same guy or there are several who just can’t keep their hand out of the cookie jar. I dated the pig too.
I do not have a very big social life,to me dating sites are alternatives to meet some one .
I has the same issue with my ex for 7 months he even gave me a promise ring and he tols me he loves me and i am the only one he wants,my cousin opens an account on pof the same site where i met him,and guess who was there active ? my ex….. i felt so dirty,betrayed and all the time,money and stress i invested in those 7 months were down the toilet.
Now i have a trust issue with everyone else because of this matter.
Please women out there we deserve better,take your time to know well who you are dating,there are many bad,heart less men out there…. just do not put your heart in an relationship if you are not sure about the other person background,records and love life. A cheater will be always a cheater ….
Life is short live your life to the fullest ……god bless.
It is not about TRUST. It is about RESPECT.
Dating site=venue to find a romantic date.
Exclusive relationship=monogamy/not dating anyone else.
Looking for friends?
Why go to a dating site to look for friends while monogamous? Look into a healthy interest group on meet up dot com or your local church, for example.
Looking for FRIENDS on a site dedicated to matching people up to DATE is opportunity to – Well, DATE.
Trust is believing in someone to treat you with respect. Going to a dating site is disrespectful to the one with whom you are monogamous.
If you want out or are thinking about it – get out before you are tempted to check things out.
Dating site=looking for a DATE.
RINSE. REPEAT.
I am currently going through this we have been dating for 6 months and had plenty of talks on my boyfriend being online daily. He tells me the same as the men above ” he loves me and only me” and “I’m just looking for friends”. He did change his profile to hang out only. It doesn’t feel good at all and now I am questioning if I should break up with him.
I met what I thought was a nice, normal guy. We were both on match (met there) then talked further when we got on plenty of fish site. After dating for a couple months, I deleted y profile from match and pof. he didn’t delete either, feigned being computer “challenged” and that he just never got around to deletiing them…
well, long story short, he had messaged a couple women while being with me (I was his girlfriend according to him) , of course these are just the women I saw by accident.
i was devastated. He shrugged it off, saying that he was just flirting, or being friendly, because they messaged him first, anyway, i started dating him again (I know, stupid)!! trying not to let myself get serious, just casual, but then i saw an email he sent to an old girlfriend wanting to know when they could get together!
left him again, went back again….now i saw a missed call on his cell phone from another ex-girlfriend, who he claims is just a friend and tried to act like I was some crazy jealous insane, person. maybe it wasn’t anything, but I realized we are just broken.
I am finally done. I never thought I could be so gullible, naive. I really am not meeting anyone that I like at all, so I guess I thought I had to settle, but life is too short.
i have the same problem, when we met, he closed his profile, and we spent around 7 months good, then suddenely, I found his profile active, and I got mad and told him, he said, he just keep it but he does not look to anyone, he closed again and I forgave him, he changed said to me manytime that he will come to enagage me,for the last one he did not and again he opened his profile again,,, I got mad for the third time, and I sent him a msg, he said that person is his friend. but I feel it was him.
The question is, What should I do? Why do I see him an innocent in my dreams everytime I think to leave him?
please tell me
we are know each other around a year and 2 months
Wow, the same thing happened to me. He had two profiles on POF.. He took down one (saying he was only talking to people as “friend”) I found the other one and he said he had totally forgotten that he had it. Now a few weeks ago we got into a fight and I felt something wasn’t right so I did some investigating and he was back on POF. I sent him a text saying oh I see you’re back on a dating site. He denied it saying one of his friend knew we were having trouble and signed him up for the site. That he had to investigate to find out who it was. The profile came down the next day. Ironically everytime he was online the profile on POF was active as well. He must really think I’m stupid. We’ve been dating for 4 months now and I haven’t met any of his friends or family. He has his relationship status on Facebook as being in a relationship with me; but you set it on privacy setting and I think he has it set to where only he and I can see that.. So if it walks talks and acts like a duck…. I’m thinking he’s cheating…. Oh, and just found another profile on another dating site but it hasn’t been active….
I think you need to let him know that he needs to stop doing this. Letting a friend use the account is no excuse (or at least a very poor one). His friend could create a free profile…no need to use his. Sounds like a pretty weak excuse to me.
This just happened to me two days ago for a second time with a guy I was seeing for 7 months. We met online and a couple months ago I checked the site to see if he still had his profile up. He did. I texted him and he called me to explain why. He gave me the lame excuses of changing his status to ‘seeing someone’ and ‘only looking for friends’ and ‘I became friends with women I met on here and this is how we keep in touch’. I told him there’s other means to communicate with friends these days and he shouldn’t be on a dating website to meet new friends. I asked he take down his profile….For shame I let this slide and continued to see him until recently.
We had a long distance relationship in which I was the one that went to him 90% of the time, at great expense to me. He played the image of a sweet, witty, sensitive guy that had lots of female friends. (there were many red flags that I ignored).
Here’s the worst of all this-only one day after spending the weekend with him and we had a long talk about our relationship and six days after I had an abortion (that’s right abortion) of his baby do I catch him on the dating website.
And now that I’ve caught him, called him on it he has no changed his profile to Single and has never (not once) contacted me or responded to any of my messages.
He is the cruelest & most selfish man I have ever let into my life.
What do you do when the guy you have been dating for over four years still has an active match.com site up? I recently moved in with my boyfriend of over four years and was using his computer. I saw he had recently been on match. Do I confront him or just ignore it. Everything else is great.
I confronted my ex-boyfriend, I saw it in Oct 2007 and again March 2009 and again Sep 2010, I kept ignoring them and cried myself to sleep till Christmas day 2011, I saw his emails to women on click & flirt, I confronted him and left him, He says I am the problem not him, but I am sorry he is the problem not me.
Once a cheater always a cheater.
People like that are selfish, arrogant, users, I feel he used me as he could not find anyone else to stay long enough with him and tolerate him. I did, but now I rather be alone than be used.
Um…I think I would talk to him about it. I’m not sure I would “confront” him (although that’s within your right at this point in your relationship). I’d suggest being honest without attacking: let him know you found it and you want to know what’s up.
so, similar story here except the guy i have been dating has stated he wants to take things slow and get to know me deeper over time, etc….suggesting that he is interested long term. we talk every night and go out when our custody arrangements allow…however, after dating 4 months, he is still online every day. I am not sure what to think really, other than it makes me feel like i would be 2nd choice. How do you suggest brining up this topic without being completely accusatory with someone?
I am having similar issues as these women…. I have been seeing someone for 4 months, we have had the talk about being boyfriend and girlfriend – which we now are. He hadn’t checked his profile on the dating site we met on for well over a month and then I noticed here and there he was checking. A few weeks ago, I noticed it was 3 days in a row. It was driving me crazy, so I said something. I asked him if he was still looking for someone and he said no, that he had gotten a few emails from a woman out of our state and just read them. So, he said that it wasn’t right of him to do that and he would delete his profile. He has not been on there since, but has not deleted it yet either. I also found out that he uses Flirt and Are You Interested through Facebook and it appears that on one of those sites he was recently active, although I am not sure how long it takes to not log into the account for it to say otherwise. I am not sure what to do or how long to wait to ask him about not deleting his account and also how to ask him about his other accounts. Things have been going wonderful aside from this, he seems very genuine and kind, not the type of person to cheat at all. All of his past relationships were very long term. He talks of a future with me, so I am stumped on how to handle this, help please!! Thanks.
My ex boyfriend of 13 months flirted with women all the time, though I never felt threatened until a year into the relationship. His feelings had changed, he was flirting with a woman by text on his phone whose name he was lying about. I read the messages and confronted him, and he used the excuse that he did not cheat, flirts all the time, but he is also very insecure with himself and his age. We all flirt, sure, but this I consider cyber cheating. The other woman does not know that a girlfriend exists, and he thinks he is allowed and that it is not disrespectful. We, of course, broke up, and he can now continue to look for whatever he thinks he deserves but will never find. NO, there is no excuse for a man in a relationship to be on a dating sight or “hiding” on Match.com like mine was.
WOW! I have the exact opposite problem.. Perhaps, you, Brad, can help me out and explain this. I met this guy a little over 3 weeks ago on POF… After going out every day for about 10 days, talking on the phone daily several times a day, and texting in between he complained that I still had a profile up on POF (so did he). He said he wasn’t logging on which was true. I removed my profile; he HID his!!! and continued logging on daily!!! Then we had a discussion about being exclusive including removing profiles, etc. He did remove his profile from POF and match. Several days later he texted me a screen shot of my OLD profile on POF (another one I’d opened a few years back and had forgotten about). He said he could search without being a member and that the only reason was to check if I was still on (which he knew my profile which we met through was gone)… sounds like a BS excuse to me and I think he was looking for someone else, NOT me… He said I was a hypocrite and when I explained that I’d forgotten about that profile (old pictures, not logged on in the last 30 days, which was very apparent) he said he needs to “think about it” for a couple of days… I said fine, think about it and if you want to revisit this discussion contact me, but I will not contact you first… If your decision is to break it off, no further action is necessary and I will not contact you either… that was yesterday.. what do you think about this, Brad?
To me this sounds like some trust issues on his part that go deeper than the visibility of a dating profile. I’m not sure I’d be so convinced he was looking for someone else either…he sounds as if he’s insecure about things and was likely looking for you.
Considering you’d only been talking for 3 weeks, I think he could have been a bit more understanding about the mistake…especially since you took the profile down. As you’ll notice, a re-occurring issue for previous readers is the struggle to get the profile down in the first place! You were co-operative which again makes me think he just feels insecure.
I also suspect his “thinking about it” is just a ploy to try to show you that you had something valuable and you shouldn’t mess with that (yes, I know you weren’t intentionally “messing with it” but I’m suggesting this is how he might see things). I’ve been wrong before but if I were a betting man, I would bet that you’d hear from him in the next few days.
Thank you, Brad! I’ll let you know what happens!
I too am going through a similar issue. I have been with my guy for almost two years. He’s done the signing on to a dating site thing before when we get in fights and I’ve been known to watch his email so a part of me always thought he did it because he knew I would find out (yes, he’s that type of guy). We have huge fights and our most recent was in October/November and ever since getting back together I have really just lost trust in him. He works out of town and I know a lot of his friends just go out looking for “strange” while on these jobs, regardless if they are married or in a relationship. I’ve always told him this makes me uncomfortable. Well his last stint out of town really had the jealousy wheels turning, for the reason mentioned above, as well as his recent induction into the world of Facebook in which I am nowhere to be found on his profile (mentioned as a girlfriend or a picture) and he listed he is interested in….Women. So I haven’t really mentioned anything because I know how some guys are with the mentioning of their women on their profiles, but interested in women?! Really?! So we’re not getting along so well (things are hard for us right now for many other reasons) and I noticed last night he had an email come in for GoHookup.com. I’m thinking, “Hey, what’s this? Maybe and advertisement?” Nope. He read the mail, which was someone winking at him. So I log into the profile and see that he’s listed his age, the town he lives in and his preferred age range and did some “browsing”. No picture or other information and right after creating and logging in yesterday, he unsubscribed from emails. But did not delete his account. I’m debating saying anything because I know his excuse will be that he just happend to “hear” about the site somehow and was checking it out, which could be true considering it doesn’t appear to be active or that he’s used it other than probably browsing. This just hurts so incredibly bad, considering all the crap we’ve been through in the past two years. He tells me I’m the one, he knows he could never do better, and I even have a ring on it. I love this guy and I’m so waiting on him to grow up and change and do all the things he’s promised me but it’s just not happening. I don’t think he’s ready for what I want.
Glad to know there are others out there but it saddens me to know that this seems to be so common amongst (mostly) men. Is this just a “hurdle” in relationships (and I realize there are probably guys out there that would never do this type of stuff but those arent the ones I seem to attract)? Are we supposed to allow for this kind of “browsing” because it is built into a man’s brain? If nothing comes of the browsing, is it worth mentioning and possibly creating a huge fight over? I know I should tell him for the reason that I am upset, but I also don’t want to appear that I’m making a big issue out of nothing.
Sad and Confused….
Ok, while I’m still obsessing over this I noticed he signed in to not just one, but THREE dating sites yesterday. I think I just found my answer, as hard as it is to swallow.
Sassyasscass – first, I don’t think we should just write this off as how a man’s brain is built. I’m not a psychologist but I’ve seen men that I’ve considered to be “players” become totally committed when they met the right woman. If I went browsing on dating site, my wife would punch me in the nose (and I support her in that decision).
I also don’t support the “just browsing” argument. Why look at real people in your area and be tempted to contact them? If it’s just about looking at women wouldn’t it be better to go buy an issue of Maxim or something? Not that this is a perfect solution for the woman that prefers that her guy not do this, but it’s a heck of a lot better than going on a dating site.
And yeah, if he’s logging into multiple dating sites I think that’s a really bad sign. There are issues with Match.com where if he were to open an email it can show him logged in without his know but…explaining away three different services is about impossible to do.
I’m in the same boat. I’m dating this guy for 2 months and it was him who started the girlfriend / boyfriend talk and just before I went on a Christmas Holiday I found out that he has a profile on PoF! I didn’t confront him but I was checking daily if he’s online. You don’t need open up an account to do so. He wasn’t an active member when I found his account but he’s been online once before went on hols and twice since I’m on vacation and the worst part is that on his profile he states that he’s single and looking for a long term relationship. Obviously not updated since we’re “exclusive” – however, we are now so I expect his profile to be deleted.
Also, just before I left the city we chatted on FB and I asked him about changing his relationship status from Single to In a relationship but he ignored me, then I asked him again and he said he’ll do but he doesn’t know how… says the guy who’s a computer geek!
I’m about to see him again tomorrow when I get back from vacation and I’d really LOVE to confront him with this shit when he’s in the car driving but I don’t know how to start.
Him being on this dating website only shows me that he’s not really committed and I feel fooled, it hurts and it’s so disrespectful!
I really just wanna punch him the face!!!
After my emotional abusive ex broke up with me I looked into his emails as I thought there was more to it . We lived together for two years .
Anyway I saw an email he and his friend were sending eachother . The subject ” The Plan ” my ex is 31 and his friend is 40 something .
At this dating site you send ” kisses ” to show your interest and he said he already sent 6 and then made some lame joke . And how he has to man up and give me the breakup speech . His friend said ” she has no respect , show her the exit door ” I found his profile and from what I think , he had it since we were dating .
He met the ex before me on there and I asked him which one they met on and he said he forgot . Sure . And he always deleted his browser history .
And it IS cheating if they do it , emotional cheating .
I hate to say it but I am glad that I am not the only one to have been in this horrible position. I will keep it short and just say I spent the last year getting jerked around by a guy who claimed “computer inadequacy”, not knowing how to end the service…”his friends signed him up”…and most recently, after watching for a solid month and seeing him “online now” or “active within 24 hours” he lied to my face and told me he hadn’t even been on the site in over three weeks. Ladies, this is just pitiful. We are strong and wonderful creatures so can we please start to act like it? This goes for me, too. After all, in my mind it is much, much better to be single and happy than to be with someone who makes you feel inadequate, insecure and overall lonely.
I’m in a similar situation. I met a guy a year ago off match.com. For about 7-8 months it was on and off. We went a great mount of time not seeing each other or talking. Over the summer we just randomly stopped talking. This past September he initiated contact and we have been dating ever since. We talk on the phone every day and see each other 2-3 times a week. In November I texted him and told him I really liked him and needed to know if he saw this going somewhere. He said he really liked me too and that he was going with the flow. He said he is always busy and tired from work ( which he is ) , but would like to see each other more and see where it goes. I asked if he was dating anyone else and he said no. I told him I wasn’t seeing anyone else either. I assumed after this conversion we were exclusive. The past three weeks he has been extremely busy ( more than usual) and I have only seen him once. Some friends suggested that maybe he was dating other girls and recommended I check if he was still on match. I reactivated my account yesterday, and looked him up, and sure enough he had logged on the day before. I checked again and he was online again today. Im so heartbroken since we have known each other for almost a year now. I’m debating whether or not I should end all contact with him and just walk away, or if I should have a talk with him in person and let him explain himself. I feel as though I’ve been very patient with having a “title” and don’t think I should have to wait any longer.
I am currently going through what everyone on here has. This is the third guy I have dated that has done this. I am about ready to confront him about it when he comes down this weekend. He should not be surprised after all he is the one who said he would delete his. I just reactivated mine. I am waiting to see if he says anything about it.
I’d appreciate some advice… My story is somewhat different from the others in that he and I live in different states. Met on fitness-singles. Emailed for two months. Scheduled a visit to see me. Prior to his visit, my subscription ended, so I hid my profile so as not to get any more emails, though I did get some from previous corresponders. I logged in now and then, and noticed for about a week his was still on. Another week goes by and his profile is gone. Clearly hidden. Though I’ve noticed he was still active. I can still see his profile because we’ve emailed and that’s how fitness-singles works. So then I got to checking his activity, while I was hidden. Silly cat and mouse. What do you make of that? I know why mine is hidden and active now – checking on his activity. I wonder why his is hidden and active… any ideas other than he could be doing the same as I am? I have deactivated my profile, so what he sees of me is ‘no longer a member’, and he cannot see that I have logged in.
Anyway, we finally met in my state a couple of weekends ago. He stayed at a hotel; though that did not stop the ‘intimacy’ after a couple of dates. Now I feel like such an idiot because he’s been back for a week and has contacted me only by email 3 times, no phone call. This is his typical MO from before we met, I just thought after meeting, claiming he had a great time, wants me to visit, wants to come back that he would contact more. I want to add he has been a perfect gentleman (he’s late 40s, I’m early 50s), emails always proper, but in person is more fun and engaging. So I dont get it, other than to assume he’s just not that into me. I’d be OK with that, just want it defined. Part of me wonders if he’s following my lead; he knows I’m not into rushing things, not interested in marriage. Thoughts anyone?
I’d love to hear what others think but my thoughts are that if he’s hiding his profile, that’s a very positive sign. As for why there’s still activity on a hidden account, maybe he’s checking on you…or maybe not. I really can only guess but I do think hiding the profile is a great first step.