Should a Woman Initiate the Emails in Online Dating?
Several times I’ve been asked if a girl should email first in online dating. First things first: yes, it’s absolutely fine for a woman start the email conversations in online dating. However, I think when this question is asked what these women really want to know: “Will writing first be worth my time? Are men open to this?” This is where the questions get a little more difficult to answer.
Before I get into the advice, it’s probably worth mentioning I only consider myself to be of average attractiveness and I never received much contact from women. I bring this up because the way I looked at receiving emails may be different from other men. Having talked to many other men about online dating, I believe my experience was common and therefore I suspect the advice here is generally good. However, if you’re only contacting the most attractive men you can find, the rules may change considerably. A man receiving five emails every day may not respond like a man receiving one email a week.
I was always open and happy to receive emails from women. However, I’ll be honest and say that the first few moments after being contacted by a woman I always felt a little strange. I guess sometimes guys are so used to working for a date, that when they don’t have to work they start to question if they want it. This is why so many women play hard to get…they’ve figured us out! Still, my ego always won out and I was flattered more than anything else. As my dad always told me when I was growing up: “One of the most attractive traits a woman can have is that they are attracted to you”. He was only half-serious but there is some truth to this!
So yes, I think you should be open to emailing men…as long as you consider the following:
Dealing with Rejection
You may begin to deal with rejection more directly. Not receiving emails can hurt and I’m not trying to down-play that but things are more direct when you’re sending emails, not just waiting for them. There’s a different sort of feel to obsessing over whether or not you should send an email to a guy for a week and then having him not respond you at all. Also, most people who are not interested will simply not respond but occasionally you’ll find someone who takes pleasure in rejecting you. It’s rare but I hear about this from time to time.
Be Open to Emailing Multiple Men
If you’ve decided to email one guy, why not contact a few? When I started dating online I emailed one girl and then waited a few days and if I received no response I emailed another. This is NOT a good way to get dates. It also created a bad habit in me where I would obsess over waiting for a response from that one person. Later, when I would email three or four at once I had a lot more luck and if even one of those four wrote me back, I totally forgot about the other three.
You Like Me, You Really Like Me!
Some guys don’t know how to respond when a woman has contacted them. At one time, I was one of these men. As someone who often responded with too much excitement, I’d ask you to be a little forgiving of those responses that come off as a little strange. He might come off as scary but he’s probably just happy.
Hint, Hint, Hint
If you’re concerned that some men may be turned off by a woman making the first contact, create a process where you give them the opportunity to contact you first. If the site provides monitoring of who’s viewed your profile, look at his profile a few times throughout a week. Not obsessively so! Just a few repeat visits to let him know the first view wasn’t an accident. If the site has a favorites system you can add him to your list. Every service is different but most provide a way for a little electronic flirting.
A More Obvious Hint
I’ve always felt that winks are fine to use. In some ways, it’s like an email but allows the men to feel like they’re still driving the process. I discussed something similar to this in my online dating guide: at a bar a woman will flirt with a man from across the room. He’ll convince himself after getting her number that he took some kind of risk in approaching her when in reality she had decided his success long before they spoke.
Keep Your Email Short
I’ve talked about this time and time again so I won’t go over it again here.
If you’re a woman unsure whether or not you should start contacting men, I’d encourage you to give it a try. Sometimes you can only wait around for so long for the right guy to contact you!
Brad is a happily married man that found great success (and his wife!) using online dating. He now shares his thoughts and experiences, on this site and in his free online dating guide, to assist others in finding success. 
Outside of the online dating world men have to take the first step about 99% of the time. That means we get rejected A LOT! Speaking only for myself, I am usually thrilled when a woman contacts me, just because it relieves the burden, if only for a moment, of putting myself out there only to get shot down yet again.
Yeah, I agree with your thoughts. I think my normal response was, “well this is a nice change of pace!”
It amazes me how many people join these dating sites but dont make any effort.
I hear guys complaining that they never get any interest but it turns out they never initiate contact,they are waiting for the woman to get in touch! sorry men but that is your job initially ,these days men seem to forget that is their role.There is nothing more off putting than a man who is waiting to be pursued.
Guys,if you are interested in a woman,be a man and send her a message,all women like a man who is capable of being forthright and decisive.
What an interesting topic! As a woman who initiates emails in online dating, I was wondering how many other women out there prefer to take the lead and fire off that first email to potential guys of interest. Personally, I like the idea of initiating emails because it opens the door to more possibilities of connecting with someone who may otherwise not have discovered me.
Of course I’ve had my share of hits and misses. The “misses” being the disappointing non-responses or ego-crushing direct rejections, and the “hits” being the positive connections, i.e., a favorable response leading to continued correspondence. As for rejections, I just think of them as a necessary evil. The more rejections you get, the less impact they have over time. And believe me, the ego-boost of getting *one* positive response more than makes up for a dozen non-responses/rejections!
As for the positive connections, in most cases I got the impression that the guy was pleasantly surprised to get an email from a woman. One guy even remarked in his reply, “I was flattered to get your email!” So I certainly support the idea of a woman making the first move. A wink is fine, but I think an email works even better because you can personalize it with specifics to really get the guy’s attention and demonstrate sincere interest.