Online Dating Guide & Blog

I had a nasty surprise for me tonight when I realized none of my posts were available on my blog (the one you’re looking at now!). I could log into WordPress and see everything but my posts showed a count of zero (scary!). My first thought was to restore my latest backup only to realize my backup didn’t run this week. I did have the backup from last week so I logged into phpMyAdmin and this is where I found the actual problem. When I clicked on the wp_posts table, I received the following error:

#144 – Table ‘./wp_posts’ is marked as crashed and last (automatic?) repair failed

By no means am I a mysql expert. I’m still not sure why this even happened. However, this was actually not very difficult to correct in my case (once I found the cause and a few mysql forums) and I wanted to share the steps I went through to correct this:
1. Sign into your phpMyAdmin account
2. Click on your database name on the left
3. Then click on SQL in the tabs on the top
4. In the query box enter: repair table wp_posts and then click Go. (note: you’ll need to replace wp_posts with whatever table you are having an issue with if it’s not this table)

For me this took a little while to finish (probably less than one minute). After that, things were working well again. Obviously, this isn’t going to work in every case but if you’re lucky like I was, maybe it will. I’m still a little nervous as to why this happened in the first place but at least I now have an up-to-date backup if it happens again!

I found an interesting article that proposes a math equation for suggesting the age of people you should be willing to date. I really liked this idea although as the person’s age increases, the less correct this equation seems. I really thought it worked well at the lower age ranges but in the 40s things started to get a little excessive first for the upper limit and then later for the lower limit as well.

For example, my dad happens to be 57 years old. The equation given would suggest that his optimal dating range would be between 36.5 and 100. While I could see my dad dating someone around 37 (although he’s married so he won’t be!) I just couldn’t imagine him having anything in common with someone who was 100.

With that in mind, I decided to try my hand at an equation by adding a hard cap to to both the upper and lower limit. Things still aren’t perfect but the ranges seem more reasonable. The new equation (created using excel) is:

Lower Limit
=IF(YOUR_AGE – SUM((YOUR_AGE/2)+7) > 20, YOUR_AGE-20, SUM((YOUR_AGE/2)+7)) (rounded down when a fraction)

Upper Limit
=IF(((YOUR_AGE-7)*2) – YOUR_AGE > 20, YOUR_AGE+20, (YOUR_AGE-7)*2)

For the lower limit, I’m checking if the lower range is more than 20 years younger than YOUR_AGE and if it is I’m capping it at 20 years younger. The same concept is applied to the upper limit. Here’s what my initial results look like:

This is just one section of the entire results and you can download the entire excel sheet here. While it’s not perfect (it’s still hard for me to imagine my dad dating someone who is 77) I do think the limits look better with the artificial caps applied.

Again, you can see the original article that this discussed this idea in detail over at Insatiable Hee. As that article points out, you should date the person who makes you happy (regardless of age) and I made this chart out of interest for the topic, not as some kind of rule that I think should be followed without question.

Chemistry is having another free communication weekend, this weekend Friday February 5th through Sunday February 7th. I apologize for being really late on this one but between finding out late, a huge snowstorm and no internet access this is the earliest I was able to get this out. Still, if you’ve signed up in the past you could log into your account for the rest of the weekend if this is the first you’re hearing about it.

You can also read about the full list of free dating service events I’ve discussed.

Something that’s been around for a while (especially in Japan) but that I’ve only heard about recently is something called group dating. This works exactly like it sounds it would: a group of single men go out on a date with an equal number of single women.

In many ways, this is something that happens naturally at times but in this case it will be planned. As an example, there are plenty of times where a group of guys and a group of girls end up spending an evening together at a bar or club because one member of each group knew each other. I know that when I was in this type of situation it was always a fun evening. Services that offer this type of dating are aiming to recreate this type of situation through planning instead of by chance.

I wanted to talk about what I’ve found regarding this type of dating and give some opinions. My opinion is that, overall, this does appear to be a very valid option for dating. I assume most people who want to pursue this type of dating will have to do so online as arranging this type of meeting would be difficult other wise.

The Good

• First, you have many opportunities to meet people in a single night. We’ve all been on that bad date where we knew within the first few minutes that it just wasn’t going to work out. On a group date, even when you have this feeling you may have four or five more chances to meet someone you do get along with that night.
• You should get a better feel for the people you’re meeting as they should be more comfortable while with their friends. This is nice as on many first dates nerves can cause some people to give very bad (and incorrect) first impressions.
• Some claim this provides safety in numbers. As someone who used online dating a lot, I don’t feel like online dating is a very dangerous activity. Still, there is some truth that you’ll be safer with a group a friends than when completely alone.
• Even if you don’t have a great connection with anyone, the night should still be fun. You’ll have plenty to talk about with your friends afterward and there should be less opportunity for awkward moments at the end of the night.

The Bad

• You’ll be with your friends. I know, that’s supposed to be a good thing for this type of dating but I think that really depends on your friends. If you have friends who love to see you squirm or might reveal more than you would on a first date, you could end up with some mild embarrassment.
• It’s not an exceptionally popular way of dating in many places today. As I mentioned above, this type of dating is very popular in Japan but not so much in North America. Still, there are services such as Ignighter which should help make this easier.
• You’ll have to convince your single friends this is worth a try. This may not be all that hard but I think some people may have a harder time selling this than others.
• Last but definitely not least is you’ll be competing with your friends for the same singles. While I’m sure this could end fine in many cases, I suspect there could be some anger and hurt feelings in some situations. It may be best to do something like drawing lots before the group date so that if two (or more) of your friends like the same person there can be a pre-defined order of who has priority. Maybe I’m over-thinking things but I always say better safe than sorry.

While group dating is new to me it’s not entirely new. With the internet enabling so many different methods of social interaction I’m interested to see where this type of dating goes.

Strangely enough, this situation seems to happen more often than I would expect: after finding a serious relationship some men still keep their online dating profile active. The explanations for this are pretty weak but these men always make the argument that there’s some good reason to keep their profile active.

If you’re a woman who has found herself in this situation, I think you have a problem on your hands. It may not mean he’s cheating but I do think it means he’s not taking the relationship as seriously as he should be. The primary reason to keep an online dating profile active is simple: the desire to meet people. Now there could be other reasons. Maybe he just likes having his ego stroked when women flirt with him. This is a problem since he’s not in a position to be flirting!

Reasons This Might Happen
Here are all the reasons I could think of for a man to keep a profile active while he’s in a relationship. None of these are a good thing:
1. He’s not sure that he likes his current relationship.
2. He likes to flirt and be flirted with.
3. He may not flirt but likes the idea that women like him.
4. He’s looking to cheat.
5. He’s looking to meet or talk to women for some other reason I’ve not thought of.

How Can I Fix This Situation?
First, I think you need to take serious consideration in the fact that he’s not as committed to your relationship as he should be. This doesn’t mean that he’s going to cheat on you or break up immediately but it can’t be seen as a good thing. At the very least, this action is a serious sign of disrespect. If you’re his woman, he should appreciate that and shouldn’t be pulling this kind of thing. It’s along the lines of a boyfriend who continues to talk to the ex that he just broke up with and I think it’s reasonable to ask him to stop.

If you’re not comfortable asking him to stop, I have one other recommendation. Create an account on the same site and communicate with him. If it’s a free site, I’d suggest sending an email about mundane things: “Hey, did you want to watch that movie tonight?” If it’s not a free site, wink at him or use whatever free communication the site offers.

The point is to get him to recognize that you have a profile as well and hopefully this will help him realize that it doesn’t feel good when the person you’re dating is putting themselves out there in a singles community. If pressed, your excuse for using the site should be the same as his. If this process doesn’t help, I’d then recommend talking about the men who are contacting you: “You should see the email this weird guy sent me today!” would be an example.

Finally, if he still doesn’t get the idea I’d suggest that you keep using your dating profile until you find a man who will treat you with the respect you deserve and end things with this guy. You might care a great deal for this man but his actions suggests he cares less for you than he should.

As I remember all too well, spending Valentine’s Day alone can be a painful process. Spending it alone for a few years in a row only makes things worse. I wanted to share some thoughts since the date is quickly approaching and I know that there were more than a few years I hated that the holiday even existed.

It’s as Much About Money as Love
It’s a man-made holiday and is really no different than the 13th or the 15th. Today the holiday is as much about making companies money as it is about couples in love. As Wikipedia points out:
The U.S. Greeting Card Association estimates that approximately one billion valentines are sent each year worldwide, making the day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year, behind Christmas.

Find the Day Motivating, Not Depressing
Many singles will see Valentine’s day coming and will become motivated to find a relationship. Unfortunately, finding that special someone isn’t always easy and when the 14th comes and goes many people will feel depressed or see themselves as a relationship failure. I would recommend that instead of taking an attitude of defeat, use this date to become motivated. It’s hard to find someone in a few weeks but if you hate spending Valentine’s Day alone then use that emotion to fuel your motivation to meet someone. Commit to a realisitic time frame (at least a few months) and then stay faithful to the promise that you make to yourself.

Being Prepared for the Day
If you’re reading this prior to Valentine’s Day arriving, it’s a good idea to make plans for that day. You could try hanging out with other single friends, finding single events on a site such as Meetup.com, or even spending time with family can all be great distractions and a nice way to pass the day. If you’re reading this on Valentine’s Day and feel that you’ll be unable to make plans or plan to sit alone for the evening, I would recommend that instead you sign up for a dating service, such as OKCupid. It’s free and if spending the evening alone makes you feel miserable what better way to start to try and change your life than taking action immediately.

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While Valentine’s Day is considered to be a holiday for couples, remember that you are well worth loving. Just because you haven’t found the person for you yet doesn’t mean you won’t. Don’t turn Valentine’s Day into a holiday of hate where you beat yourself up for 24-hours. Instead, keep it a holiday of love even if you’re alone this year. Recognize that you will end up in a relationship if you put in the effort and that, really, it’s just another day.

As I discuss in my online dating guide, I think it’s best to be prepared for the worst when going on a first date. By no means did all of my online first dates go bad (many went great) but there were more than a few that I expected to go well that went horribly. As I’ve suggested, I think the best approach is to tell the person you’ll be meeting that you will only be available for a short time – an hour should work well. This way, if things go poorly you’ll already be able to excuse yourself gracefully and if things go great you can simply tell your date “Now that we’ve met, I think I’d prefer to spend the rest of the evening with you”.

An alternative to this approach I found this week is a service called getmooh.com which stands for “Get Me Out of Here!” This service allows you to schedule calls that will be placed to your phone with pre-recorded messages that will give you the appearance of having a real conversation when you answer the phone. You can then use this “real” conversation as a way to excuse yourself from the rest of the evening.

I still think that proper preparation before the date is the best approach (it’s much more honest). However, if you didn’t plan properly and find yourself in a situation, you might be able to take advantage of getmooh, especially if you enter the scheduled call from your mobile phone while on said bad date.

The service can be used for many situations, not just first dates. And it might be your only option in impromptu situations where no planning was involved. Also, the service is free today but I wouldn’t expect that to last forever. Maybe it will, I just wouldn’t count on it.

Last month a California court ruled that eHarmony will have to do more to promote its gay and lesbian dating services. I’ve been reading this story around the internet and it seems that many people are suggesting that eHarmony will now accept gay and lesbian singles into their main site. However, after reading some articles I’m pretty sure that this is not the case.

From the article:

The proposed settlement would require eHarmony to display its gay and lesbian dating services more prominently.

The way this is worded, it sounds to me that part of the complaint is that eHarmony is making no effort to make users aware of CompatiblePartners.net, the service it offers for gay and lesbian singles. The ruling in this case seems to say they have to promote this secondary service more, not integrate all users into a single service. I checked out eHarmony’s welcome page to try to find what the article was referring to and this is what I saw (at the bottom of the sign-up screen):

I think the main outcome we’ll see is that in a short time we’ll see another link on the site (in the list above) for gay and lesbian dating which will take people who click on it to their other site. Maybe I’m wrong…it would seem strange to have a lawsuit just to get a small link on the welcoming page. Although, it is worth pointing out that the links are only part of the settlement:

The firm also would establish a $2 million settlement fund, with about $500,000 set aside for gay, lesbian and bisexual Californians who can show they were harmed by eHarmony’s policies.

At this point, I’m not sure what good eHarmony welcoming gays and lesbians would do. They’ve explicitly rejected them for years…I don’t expect that gays or lesbians are exactly clamoring to get in.

One other thought: based on the ruling of this case, would the law that prevents businesses from discriminating on sexual orientation also affect gay/lesbian dating sites in that they would now be required to host services for heterosexuals as well? Almost definitely not as the case was a civil lawsuit but it does bring up the thought. At any rate, even with all the claims flying around about eHarmony now accepting gay and lesbian singles, I personally don’t expect much to change. We’ll see a new link but what does that amount to, really? Maybe I’m wrong – it seems like everyone else is saying there will only be a single service at some point. I guess only time will tell.

Poll: Men More Than Women Get Depressed After Breakup
An article discusses poll results from Date.com…results that I found to be rather shocking statistics (I guess since I’m a guy). Apparently, 85 percent of men suffer some form of depression and have difficulty getting back into dating after a break-up. Compared this to only 8 percent of women! A very interesting read and I have to admit I never handled break-ups very well.

Meeting Others When You Are Single Parent
A single dad is concerned with ways to meet single women when they seem so rare. I really liked this advice because so often advice givers are far more concerned with being right than they are with helping the person seeking help but this advice is open and straight-forward. The article and it’s comments offer different ideas all worth reading.

Are There Plenty of Fish in the Sea?
This article discusses the usefulness of online dating services and I find I agree with the conclusion that was reached: online dating is very useful as long as you are aware of the problems that you are likely to encounter. The article also includes some interesting online dating statistics.

Earlier this month the Spark Networks, which owns several dating services, re-branded two of their largest dating services into a new, single service. Starting on January 15th, American Singles and Date.ca are now a single service called Spark.com.

The combination of these two services into one wasn’t the only change: the new service is a major revamp of the old services they offered previously. Of particular note, the following are the stand-out changes to the service:

1. Photos Are Required
Everyone must have a photo to use the service. I find this interesting and having now tested the service, I believe this was a great idea. As I encourage in my dating guide (and as everyone who gives online dating advice also suggests) having a picture in your profile is one of the most important things you can do. This requirement will actually benefit its members as it will force their hand on the one area that some people are hesitant with, even with the knowledge that it hurts their chances. Personally, this is the only time I’ve ever logged into a service for the first time and everyone had a photo and it was a great change.

2. Color-Coded Personality Tests
ColorCode Matching which is a personality test, the trend sweeping online dating at the moment. Personalities are broken down into for major areas with a color representing each type:

I took the test, which is thankfully shorter than most, and was a mix of many of the colors but my strongest color was white. Reading the site’s report on what this meant about me, I felt they got it mostly right and was interested to see their take on who I was after such a short personality test. I feel they did a good job and gathered a good understanding of who I was

3. New Click Feature
A new feature called “Click”. On each profile are options to flag them with Yes, No or Maybe with this representing if you would be interested in meeting that person. This feature will then tell you if you are both interested in each other. The other standard forms of communication also exist such as email and flirting.

If I’m honest I haven’t looked at American Singles for several years but I remember not liking the look and feel of the service very much. In addition to the changes listed above, I really like the new layout of the site.

The pricing of the service seems very fair, especially when comparing to other major dating services.

Overall, I find the changes all very good. The multiple forms of communicating, the new personality test and the requirement to have a photo are all great changes. We’ll see if this re-branding leads the company to more success although based on the number of members I saw as I was researching the changes, I suspect they’re seeing growth due to these changes. If these changes sound interesting to you I would recommend checking it out yourself.